Your first NFL pre-season game is scheduled for August 7. That’s just a mere three and a half weeks away. I really hope you can work with these filthy rich players and the filthier, richer owners figure this whole situation out … and fast. Why? Because it’s only June and my heart is pounding … I’m salivating, drooling, itching for football season. (Here’s more evidence.)
It’s because you, my beloved NFL, have created the perfect sports season. It’s pure, unadulterated perfection. Don’t mess with it. Don’t add two more games. You put on 16 perfect games. With a perfect playoff season — that helps stave off the post-Christmas blues. Oh and not to mention your perfect championship, in which the whole world really all watches in unison, and actually cares — unlike some other championships we know (one is spelled N-B-A and the other is spelled N-H-L.)
Then sweet NFL, you go away (for the most part, with the exception of the Combine and the Draft), but you go away long enough so that we miss you. We yearn for you. From the bottom of our souls. We need you, NFL. We don’t think we can go on without you. The thought of life without you … life without Bud Light and pulled pork sammies … life without heroes and villains … life without Al/Chris and Mike/Jaws … it’s all just unbearable (We probably can live without Joe Buck, though, if that helps). So please come back in six weeks like you have every year for my entire life.
Your season is too bloody long. The day after my team, the World Champion San Francisco Giants, won the World Series in NOVEMBER — I got an email offering me Spring Training tickets. If your season ends in November, and pitchers and catcher report in mid-February — we do not have time to miss you, baseball.
You are supposed to be the boys of summer. Your Opening Day is in March, when it’s still snowing in Chicago and Denver and Cleveland — and by the time you’re done, it’s time for turkey. Too long. You should “own” the summer. You should start in May and finish in September. But you won’t — too much money to be lost. And all of the purists will start complaining that the season would be different than Babe Ruth’s season, blah blah blah. I say, play more double-headers, bring back the businessmen’s special weekday games, and cram those 162 games between mid-April and mid-October like they used to. At least shave a month off of your season and give us a break from the monotony.
I will say, however, that what you do best, darling baseball, is pre-season. Spring Training is the absolute best. Why? Because it’s sunny and hot in Arizona and Florida. And the ballparks are small and all the fans care. And anything is possible, because it’s the beginning of the season and you don’t realize how freaking long it’s going to take to get to the other side of 162 games.
Baseball, I used to love you. You were my first love — but life just got too busy. And you just got too … boring. I’ll see you in September when every game starts to matter.
Dear NBA & NHL:
I’ll keep this short and sweet. The NBA lockout is in full-effect and the NHL seems headed in the same direction. Yawn. Does anyone really care? I maintain that the real issue is: Your seasons are timed all wrong.
NBA: You are the only All-Star Game that’s fun to watch, and your dunk contest is the best. Why? Because it’s President’s Day weekend and there is nothing else to watch. Your playoffs should not kick off on Memorial Day and take place the first two weeks of summer. You’re an indoor sport. Why don’t you own April instead? You should capture the excitement of March Madness, and parlay that into NBA fever. (On a side note, we do appreciate the opportunity to watch the Mavs beat the dispicable Heat this year ... so maybe the LeBron "Decision" nonsense ended up being good for basketball?)
Back to scheduling. Ahhh, NHL , our red-haired stepchild: The only people who watch your games are the people who live in the cities who are playing, with the exception of the New Year’s Day outdoor Winter Classic game. It’s brilliant! Want to know why? Here’s a huge revelation. Listen closely: People want to watch hockey when it’s cold outside. The Stanley Cup should be in February or March — at the latest. No one on earth (except for people who live in the cities who are playing) cares about hockey in June. They want to go to the beach! They want to barbecue outside! They want to go to baseball games! And for some, they want to salivate over football season ...
PS Here is my proposed new schedule for the four major pro sports leagues: