Disoriented at Rookie Orientation

The NBA seems to be the Bart Simpson of the sports leagues. No matter how much you like it, you just know it can't go two weeks without getting into trouble.

Well, last week was rookie Michael Beasley's turn to say, “D'oh!” (Okay, I know that's Homer's catch phrase, but I didn't go to college to type, “Don't have a cow, man!”) Now where were we? Oh, yes. Beasley was fined Thursday for his role in a brouhaha at the recent rookie orientation.

You remember that scandal, right? In a sports world that has become immune to scandal, the news that came out of Rye Brook, N.Y., in early September somehow still managed to shock me.

NBA rookies Darrell Arthur and Mario Chalmers reportedly were caught there with marijuana and women in their hotel room. Now comes a report about Beasley's involvement.

At first glance, it looks like a run-of-the-mill story. Hell, when I was in college, that would have described half the dorm rooms on a Saturday night.

But the catch is that they broke those two rules while attending the NBA's annual  Rookie Transition Program. Yes, that's the same orientation intended to help young players deal with fame's pitfalls, such as, you know, drugs, the media and predatory women. We covered the NBA program in our “Sex Scandals” chapter in GameFace.

Now, most of us understand that young, newly wealthy guys are going to have their fun and sow some wild oats. Show some questionable judgment and hopefully learn from it. That's pretty normal. But, getting caught AT the very seminar that was solely designed to steer you away from this stuff is unbelievably stupid. It's like a groom cheating on his wedding day. With the bride's sister. The infidelity makes you a standard creep. The other details make you Creep of the Year.

Simply put, these guys jumped the gun on the McCracken Rule. Wait, you're probably wondering, what the hell's that?

Let me explain. In everyone's favorite Amish-bowling-road movie, “Kingpin,” the story's sleazy villain, Ernie “Big Ern” McCracken, played by Bill Murray, yells to reporters that his million-dollar victory over Woody Harrelson's Roy Munson means that he finally is rich enough to be “above the law.” He adds: “I can buy my way out of anything!”

Since that ridiculously funny '96 flick, my friends and I have referred to any legal slap on a guilty millionaire's wrist as “the McCracken Rule.” Example: That NHL gambling scandal that ensnared Wayne Gretzky's wife and assistant coach could have ruined his legacy. Why didn't it? Because the McCracken Rule got him off the hook with the cops and the public. Same with Michael Jordan's gambling in the early '90s. O.J. Simpson? He's in McCracken Rule Hall of Fame. Just like the Big Ern, these guys were so big they thought they could buy their way out of anything. More importantly, they could.

Looks like Chalmers, Arthur and Beasley, who became young millionaires the minute they were drafted last June, have been living under the very same rule this summer. Once the NBA teams picked them, they too believed they were above the law. Or so they thought. In reality, they forgot to read the fine print. Which says, you have to actually pay a few dues and spend, I don't know, more than 15 minutes in the league before you can worm your way out of trouble — rich and famous, or not.

At first, the NBA immediately fined Chalmers and Arthur ,000 and booted them out of the orientation, which Cheech & Chong, er, sorry, Chalmers and Arthur, will be forced to retake next year. To be fair, the young men quickly apologized and acknowledged they had women in their rooms. However, they denied the marijuana accusation.

Now, they have fined Beasley ,000 for being in the same room, though they have not explained what he did to earn the extra punishment. It might be that Beasley tried to weasel his way out of punishment while he let Chalmers and Arthur take the fall, as some reports suggest. If true, the rookie will have a much bigger problem than commissioner David Stern: his teammates, who probably don't take kindly to that kind of stuff. There's a thin line between Rookie of the Year and Weasel of the Decade. Beasley may be the first to win both.

Either way, these three rookies soon will start their pro careers with one strike already against, them and fan hecklers around the league surely already are working on one-liners to embarrass them. Even if they have All-Star careers, the strangeness of this recent controversy will always be a stain on their professional record. And even Big Ern McCracken would agree: that's the kind of infamy you cannot buy your way out of.